


Relatable Content

by makesomelove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Kissing, M/M, Workplace Relationship, butt stuff, small age difference
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-16
Updated: 2015-10-16
Packaged: 2018-04-26 14:05:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5007604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makesomelove/pseuds/makesomelove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry glances down at the floor, then up at Niall, lip curling up in a bashful smirk. Niall wants terribly to kiss him. The opportunity is right there in front of him, and it's the worst idea in the entire world. </p><p>It would reach the press. He'd be in the news - CEO and Founder of BeepFodder Niall Horan Sexually Manipulates Underlings. His mum has an alert for him on her computer and she'd see it and have a heart attack. They'd lose sponsors. Even if they didn't publish the footage, it'd still exist. It all still would have happened. Harry would know Niall likes him. The thought of the most vulnerable spots in his heart being captured on film and shown to millions of people makes Niall sick. Going through with this in a legitimate way would ruin his life no matter what.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Relatable Content

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goreallegore](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goreallegore/gifts).



> Thank you to Natalie for being my beautiful idea-sculpting angel, Lea for being my beautiful ribbon-tearing beta, my BFF Sarah for watching hundreds of BuzzFeed videos with me, and the niallexchange mods for being patient with my time management struggles. I hope everyone enjoys this, particularly the person it is intended for! Based on the prompt: "businessman!niall (millionaire) who is quite famous among the business world cause his young age and charming personality, and harry is his new clumsy intern."

_Forney 25 Under 25, Media_

_Niall Horan, 23_

_Taking advantage of the Internet's love of easy-to-consume lists and the need of its users to align their identities with what Hogwarts house they've been sorted into, Niall Horan founded BeepFodder in late 2014 after dropping out of university. The site, which recently cleared £10 million in ad revenue, covers a wide range of topics including DIY, celebrities, entertainment, and news. The relatively new BeepFodder Video produces original content that's garnered over 500 million views with more than 2.8 million subscribers. Daily content is produced by staff and other contributors, as well as submissions from the global community which provides BeepFodder's 40 million unique hits a month._

_Horan, who comes from a small, rural town in Ireland, attributes the success of the site to people's desire to relate to one another through content. "It's like, BeepFodder is a band, and everyone who visits is a fan of that band," Horan says. "Other sites might be the management and the producers and whatever, worried about the output being just so, but we're more concerned with how people react to and interact with us."_

~*~

The morning after the piece is published, Niall parades into the office and is met with uproarious hollering and cheering. He sweeps through the crowd of about 40 or so writers, directors, producers, animators, graphic designers, software engineers, IT people, and interns - the team who made this all possible for him and for themselves and for BeepFodder. 

Niall shakes his ass across the threshold of the building with his arms lifted above his head, like he's some sort of professional mixed martial artist making his way to the cage to kick someone in the dick. He stops his procession every couple of steps to flex or to point at the sky as if to thank the heavens. There should be entrance music blaring, like a Celtic remix of a medley of Drake songs, something that truly expresses Niall's essence of triumph right at this moment. 

Louis and Liam are booing him loudly from the other end of the room, but they have huge smiles on their faces and are clapping just as hard as anyone. It brings a sharp tear to Niall’s eyes. Those two have been through everything with Niall since the beginning. He feels like he hardly sees them anymore except through videos of BeepFodder’s channel, but he’s with them now and that’s what matters. 

"Way to go, chief!" Bressie shouts above the din. 

"Chief!" Others call out, whistling and hooting. 

"Thank you," Niall says, waving his hands until the noise dies down. "Cheers, everyone. I couldn't have done it without you." 

"Damn right!" 

"We know!" 

"Where's our £10 million bonus checks?" 

"Fuck off," Niall laughs. "I know we're all buzzing because I'm the greatest and everyone loves me, but get back to work."

"Never!" Louis shrieks. 

"Okay, fine," Niall says. "Half day for everyone. Drinks are on me." 

Niall is swallowed up by the many arms of his team in a group hug that brings a tear to his eye. 

~*~ 

Alone in his office, Niall watches as the sun sets, a lovely end to a lovely day. The light filters through the floor-to-ceiling windows, and the lights of the city spark up for the night. It's been hours of people congratulating him and even thanking him for something they've perceived him as doing, and it's still not any less wonderful. Many people are still here, sat around on the couches in the kitchen lounge, or showing each other videos on their work computers, or playing beer pong on the ping pong table. It's been a party all day and Niall doesn't want it to end. 

When he dropped out of university, he had no idea he’s end up the ringleader of a three ring circus. Never mind that it would ever grow to reach the heights of success he’s enjoyed. He's worried what he said about the site to Forney will sound contrived or like utter nonsense to everyone who reads it, but he stands by it regardless. It was exciting to be included on their list, but he can’t pause long enough to let it sink in. He indulges himself sometimes by looking at the hits, the subscribers, the revenue and he’s not going to deny that it’s a good feeling. But he meant what he said--his website brings people together, makes them think, makes them react and no award or honor can ever top that. 

Still, to be recognized in a magazine like that is proof he’s doing the right thing. Looking out over the heads of his staff, he thinks, _eh_. He never really needed it any way. 

~*~

"You still here?" Louis says, whirring into his office on Niall's fucking Segway. 

"Oi," Niall says. "Get off my fucking Segway." 

"Relax, babe," Louis says, taking a huge swig straight from a champagne bottle and lowering his sunglasses to the end of his nose. "I just came by to ask for pizza money." 

Someone - Niall suspects it was Jesy - figured out how to jimmy open the vending machines, all the snacks are nearly wiped out. 

"Why don't you bring the grill in and flood the building again when it catches fire?" Niall says. 

"Niall, please," Louis says, gliding smoothly back and forth on the Segway. "That was weeks ago. Come on, nothing ruins a party more than running out of food." 

Niall watches him jealously. It’s his Segway, but he hasn’t really mastered it yet, not as well as Louis. Last time he was on it, he banged up his knee again and hobbled around for a week. "What about running out of alcohol?" He says. 

"We're out of alcohol?" Louis gasps, toppling over on the Segway.

Smug, Niall slips Louis a hundred and joins in on the next round of beer pong. 

~*~ 

 

"Who thought telling embarrassing stories was a good idea again?" Niall whispers into his shoulder to Louis and Liam. 

"Me," Louis says. "I did." 

"How does this build team morale?" Niall says. 

"Some people like to laugh, Niall," Louis says, rolling his eyes. “Can we live?” 

"Wait," Bressie says. "Why do I always have to go first?" 

"You're the tallest," Liam says. 

"I thought Louis was the tallest," Niall says. "How tall are you now, Louis? 6'2? 20 feet? Taller than the moon?" 

"Fuck all the way right off," Louis says. "I'm five feet tall - "

"Yes, that sounds right," Niall says. 

Louis reaches out to punch Niall but Niall ducks out just in time. "Five feet and nine inches and not a penny less." 

"You’re like one of them small dogs who thinks he's bigger than he really is," Liam says, giggling into his cup. He feebly tries to avoid Louis’ retaliation, but ends up groaning when Louis punches him squarely on the dick. 

Niall claps twice to get his subjects' attention. "The king is displeased and would like to hear his stories," he says. Everyone scoffs and blows raspberries,. but Niall feels like a king, and so he is one for a night. 

Plus he’s pretty sure he’s shitfaced out of his mind. 

"Who's second tallest?" Bressie says. 

"I don't know, why don't we line you all up and see?" Niall says. 

"Seems unethical," Louis says. 

"I'll go," Harry says. He turns to Niall and curtsies. "Your Majesty." 

Harry is a relatively new hire, but he's already infamous around the office for being willing to do anything. Genuinely anything anyone's ever asked him to do, he does it. Once Niall asked him how the weather was and Harry left mid-sentence to personally go outside and check. Apparently he's the go-to guy when nobody else wants to film some weird thing for a video. Niall would know, because he's watched every single video Harry's ever been in. 

His favorite video with Harry is one entitled simply Coworkers Slap Each Other. It's got all the usual players, but paired off - Perrie and Leigh-Anne, Liam and Louis, Bressie and Eoghan, Nick and Harry. One person is meant to slap the other as hard as they can, and the slapped person returns the favor. It's so stupid and sometimes it makes Niall wonders what he's done with his time on earth, but most times he laughs so hard his ribs hurt. 

It's a quick video; very cut and dry, slap and slap, everyone laughs. Harry, on the other hand, offers his cheek so readily. Nick lays one on him that can be felt through the screen and shakes his hand out, giggling. Harry's face turns, his lips parted and eyes glazed over, cheek pink and stung. It's unbearable. There's almost a million views on it and Niall is easily half of those. 

Harry is a fresh-faced, broad-shouldered lad with hair that looks like a Halloween costume wig of itself. His curls pushed back away from his forehead, then artfully blown over the side as if frozen by a strong gust of sexy hairspray. He's got on a grandpa cardigan Niall would only wear at his own home if nobody was looking at him and he had fallen terribly ill, and under that a shirt cut low enough that the sharp shadows of his collarbones are held up by the pointy wings of his otherwise hidden tattoos. 

Harry looks young, almost impossibly so, to the point where Niall legitimately asked if Harry was legally old enough to work. But Harry isn’t that much younger than he is, and is about the same age as Niall was when he started BeepFodder a few short years ago. 

"Oh, yes," Liam says, mock celebratory and shaking Niall out of his reverie. "Oh, yes, oh, yes, oh yes. A Harry Styles original coming at you hot off the runway." 

"Shut up," Harry says, pinching Liam's nipple. "I have a good one this time." 

Liam is manager of talent acquisition at BeepFodder and the manager of video development. He's in charge of hiring writers and producers and actors to be in the video, then making sure the videos get produced. Liam surely hired Harry for good reason. Niall is so glad everyone works together so well and gets on with one another and are so comfortable with one another's bodies. 

"It better be more exciting than the story you made us film about getting gum stuck to your shoe," Perrie says, and the rest of the film production team laugh.

"Let him speak," Niall says, raising his hand as a command for silence. 

It doesn't get anyone to shut up, but Harry takes position in the center of the room to tell his story anyway. A loose circle forms around Harry and he stands, shoulders hunched with his sleeves pulled over his hands, looking the picture of a nervous child pissing himself at his first school play. 

Then, suddenly Harry picks his head up and waits a beat. Then he smirks and widens his stance, transforming into a confident peacock with utmost storytelling prowess. 

"Okay, so like," Harry says. 

"Off to a strong start already," Louis says. 

" _Okay_ , so _like_ ," Harry begins again, glaring at those who would interrupt him. "A little while ago - "

"How long ago?" Jade says. 

"Be more specific!" Liam directs. 

"Do you want me to tell you the story or not?" Harry says, half yelling and stomping his foot. "Stop interrupting!" 

A chorus of ‘sorrys’ echoes around the room. More people have come in from smoking outside or finishing their pizza in the kitchen and join in on the circle.

"A little while ago," Harry says, “maybe like, six months ago - is that specific enough for you? Six months, eighteen days, eleven hours, and thirty-seven minutes ago, I got really into like, making my own artisanal soaps." 

Harry spreads his fingers and tilts his head back, the long trunk of his throat undulating with happy acceptance as he welcomes the groans from his audience. 

"I know. I know," Harry continues, self-deprecatingly, as if he’s aware of how much everyone wants to beat him up. 

"So is that it then?" Leigh-Anne says. "That is pretty embarrassing, mate." 

"No, I haven't finished," Harry says. 

"Harry, everyone agrees the most embarrassing thing you've ever done is make your own soaps, so let's just end it there," Louis says. 

"No, okay, so like," Harry says, "I made all this soap. It was mainly from like those kits you buy and melt down the little things and add scented drops. I had soothing lavender. I had warm vanilla. I had lavender vanilla and I had vanilla lavender, which doesn't sound like it would be different from lavender vanilla, but it was totally different." 

"Jesus, get to the point already," Jesy says. Bressie shushes her and then suffers the consequences when she pushes him out of his chair and he falls to the ground in a crumpled heap. When he tries to get back up, she puts her foot on his chest and steps on him. 

"So anyway, I get this like, bright idea," Harry says, eyes bugging out as he mimes explosions coming out of his head with his hands. "Like, I'm gonna add glitter to one of my soaps. Everyone loves glitter." 

"Not true," Niall says, raising his hand. Niall, in fact, actively dislikes glitter. It makes too much of a mess. 

"How could you not like glitter?" Harry says, looking betrayed. "So I decide, I better test it out on myself first." 

His eyes linger on Niall for a long time, so long that Niall squirms but doesn't dare to look away. Now that he realizes Niall is truly paying close attention, Harry seems to really play towards him. Taking a couple of steps closer to where Niall is seated at Liam's desk, leaning into his space, standing with his feet spread apart so he could straddle Niall's lap if he wanted. 

"I wanted to like, make sure that like, the glitter was subtle," Harry says. "Like, not so glittery that you look like you've been rolling in it, but like, glittery enough that it adds a little sparkle to your day." 

Harry pretends to wash his body with invisible glitter soap, and he doesn't shy away from his naughty bits, either. Niall can clearly picture Harry in the shower, naked and wet, lathering himself up with lavender vanilla glitter soap, the shiny flecks of it clinging to his skin, working it into every crevasse. 

He's performing for Niall - to what end, Niall doesn't know. Jesus, he can't possibly be privy to the fact that Niall has private time with his videos. Niall is very careful to be completely logged out of any account he has, and he opens incognito windows to boot, then immediately clears his browser history once he's reached completion.

Some people in the room have given up and started chatting amongst themselves, but Niall is glued, like glitter to a Harry's skin after a good soaping up. He knows Louis and Liam are as well, though hopefully for entirely different reasons. 

"Everything you've just said is embarrassing," Louis says. "The fact that you're even telling this story is more embarrassing than the outcome of the story could be." 

"So okay, so like, what I didn't realize is," Harry says. "Was that glitter tends to like, gather in areas. And shortly after I started using the glitter soap, I noticed that my ass started to itch like, really badly. Like I thought there was something really wrong. I'd be just walking around, like, eating a sandwich, and my asshole would be like, on fire with itching. And I'm like, not putting the two together whatsoever." 

Everyone's attention is back on him again at the mention of ass, because everyone likes a good ass story. Niall is fighting laughter like a man possessed; he's holding his cheeks and nearly in tears trying to get it together, but it doesn't work. 

"So I go into the bathroom at my mum’s house, and I take all my clothes off - " Harry removes his grandpa cardigan and throws it at Niall. It covers Niall's face for a second until he can get it off. He wonders how far Harry will go with the nudity reenactment and wonders if he would put a stop to him going all the way or not. 

Harry's got a smattering of tattoos on his upper arm, a wooden ship and some nails from what Niall can see. Bobby told Niall as a small child that tattoos were for only for sailors or for prisoners and they hurt like a bitch, and ever since then Niall's been terrified of them. They seem so strange on Harry, like a baby dressed up as an escaped convict. 

"'Cause my mum has this full-length mirror in there," Harry says. His own amusement at himself is hardly concealed, actually. He can't stop smiling and running his hand through his Halloween wig hair. He tells the rest of the story as if he and Niall are the only people in the room.

"And I bend over, spread me cheeks." Harry demonstrates for them exactly what he's done, save for being nude. His ass is in Niall's face and his head pokes out between his legs. "Hi, Niall, founder and CEO of BeepFodder. Hi, Liam, my boss."

Niall and Liam both wave. 

"Anyway, inside my ass is just like, I mean, pardon the expression, but a buttload of glitter. Like a functioning disco ball is in there, people are dancing under it, there's raver music playing." 

Alarmed gasps and snorts ripple around the circle. Niall's eyes pinch shut and his mouth opens in a shocked, amused grimace. 

"And that's when my step-dad walks in," Harry says. 

Niall's laugh trickles out of him slowly, then bursts out of him like a pipe breaking. The entire room erupts along with him, laughing and screaming, as Harry curtsies once more. 

"The moral is, don't wash your ass with glitter," Harry says. His smile lights up his face and Niall, mostly internally but probably a little outwardly, swoons. "Thank you." 

~*~

_Liam  
Bro what the fuck was up with you and young Harry tonight?_

Niall's head whips around, searching for Liam in the shadows of the room. He spots Sophia, and Liam is right beside her. Liam is also featured fairly heavily in a lot of the video content himself. There's an entire series of videos where Sophia practices putting makeup on using Liam as a human dummy. The comment section is full of their fans arguing over whether they're together. They both hotly deny it, both online and frequently, to Niall's face. 

Despite the fact that right now, it appears Sophia is currently working diligently on a large hickey on Liam's neck.

He's perplexed at how Liam could possibly be texting him. 

_Niall  
Who is this? _

_Liam  
It's Liam stupid can't you read_

_Niall  
No it’s not._

_Liam  
Alright you caught me it's Louis but you're not off that easy!! What's going on between you and Harry_

_Niall  
What the fuck are you talking about ?_

For all Niall knows, Louis could be right next to Harry showing him every word Niall types. There are people he could trust with his confusing feelings about Harry, but Louis was never going to be one of them. 

_Liam  
You know what I mean. He was trying to murder your dick with his ass_

_Liam  
He wanted to bake your dick into a pie and feed his ass with it_

_Liam  
His eyes were begging you to dick his ass with your dick_

_Niall  
Getting less creative are we_

_Liam  
You know what I mean and you know it_

Sure, Niall knows it. Everyone in the country probably knows it, the way Harry was acting. Maybe there is something going on between them - but between them is exactly where it's stuck, wedged and awkward and keeping them apart. 

_Niall  
You're fired_

_Liam  
That's a shame. How will I tell my parents Geoff and Karen that I'm a failure? I'm really going to miss my superior pal Louis who should get a pay raise_

_Niall  
And give Liam back his phone_

 

~*~ 

When Niall gets home, he takes his shirt and jeans off and lights a candle. Thinking better of it, he blows the candle out after a few seconds. The last thing he needs is to be engulfed in flames the same week he's named one of Forney's 25 under 25. Instead he turns on the lamp in the farthest corner and lies down on the couch. 

There are several missed calls and texts on his phone. One is from his dad, so Niall takes time to reply to that one at least. He knows it takes Bobby an entire day to crank out a message on his old flip phone, and he'd like to honor that. 

_Bobby  
Proud of you son_

_Me  
Thank you da, couldn't have done it without you_

His mum's left three different voicemails. The first one is her asking if the fucking phone is working and then hanging up. The second one is her talking for five minutes about how much she loves him, what a good son he is, yelling at him for not calling her before she had to call him. The third is the noises coming from the inside of her purse for 43 seconds. It's too late to call her back now, so he sets a reminder for himself to do it in the morning after he sleeps off his hangover. 

After that, there's only one thing on his mind. It's sick, but it's the only way he knows how to find some outlet. Niall opens YouTube and searches 'beepfodder harry'. 

There have been several new additions since the last time Niall browsed. It used to be Harry featured in videos and never really on his own, like 30 seconds of Guys Shave Their Legs For the First Time would have Harry in it, or People Try Crazy American Food would show him tasting something and reacting to it. Now there are loads of videos that are just Harry.

~*~

**Harry Checks Guys' Testicles**

Harry chews gum straight into the camera. He lifts his hand and pulls on a latex glove, letting it snap menacingly against his skin. "Get ready, boys," Harry says. "Nurse Harry is gonna juice those apples to kingdom come." 

"Why did I agree to this," Liam says nervously, shaking his head and trying to stay as far away from Harry as possible. He steps behind the barrier they always use in videos where there are naughty bits involved and drops trou. Harry closes in on him as Liam shrinks back against the wall. 

"For your health," Harry says, matter of factly, as if he's actually qualified to perform this procedure. "Stand still. This won't hurt." 

Finally, Liam stays in one place and lets Harry dip down and reach between his legs. Liam squeals pitifully and shies away. 

"Why are your hands so cold?" Liam says. "You're wearing a glove, for fuck's sake." 

"Oh, right, I should've used my gloved hand," Harry says, lifting his arm and wiggling his naked fingers for the camera. 

It cuts to Nick behind the barrier, his arms raised over his head. Harry bends slightly so his hair is just barely visible. 

"Oh, nurse!" Nick moans, resting his head back against the wall and closing his eyes. 

"Those aren't my testicles," Louis says at the next cut, his face screwed up as Harry gropes him. "Neither are those. That's part of one. Colder. Colder. Colder. Warmer. Warm. Cold. Don't you know what a testicle looks like? Jesus." 

The video jumps between the three other guys for the duration. Liam continues his struggle against Harry's ministrations. Nick appears to be sexually satisfied and lights a cigarette. Louis ends up checking himself while Harry watches and says, "Oh, there they are." 

"Well," Harry says, yanking his latex glove off and throwing it behind him. "According to the WebMD article I read before doing this, everyone here seems to be in tip-top shape. Remember to check yourself for abnormalities or get a coworker to do it for you." 

The video ends on a close-up of all the guys' faces as Harry made initial contact with their balls and links to some other videos. Niall pauses it and covers his face with his hands. He doesn't know what he'd do if he were just Harry's coworker, just a regular, day-to-day human being in Harry's life. Probably wouldn't be able to take it. He'd either strangle Harry or kiss him. 

He turns his attention to the recommended videos in the sidebar and winces.

**Harry Gets a Sheep Placenta Facial**

**Harry Gets a Coffee Enema**

He picks up his phone again, and opens a new message. 

_Niall  
What the fuck are we doing ? _

_Liam  
What do you mean? _

_Niall  
Is this what we've worked so hard for ? Filming people doing fucked up things for ad money ? _

_Liam  
Are you going on another Harry spiral_

_Niall  
What do you mean ?_

~*~ 

 

"I've gotten facials before," Harry says, speaking to the camera. His hair is pulled back away from his face by a soft elastic headband and he isn't wear a shirt. "Usually it's an accident." 

The camera moves back and forth as if shaking its head. 

"Bah-dum tss!" Harry says, smiling wide with his eyebrows raised, like, come on, man. "Penis jokes." 

The next shot is Harry lying back on a massage table with a woman standing next to him. The introductory bar at the bottom of the screen says this is Natalia, Trained Aesthetician. She speaks for a bit about what a sheep placenta facial is and what its possible benefits are. Harry nods and pumps his fist and she lists of such terms as 'cruelty-free', 'all-natural', 'boosts collagen', 'cell turnover'. 

"I actually," Harry says, without a hint of duplicity, "I just helped deliver a lamb in the other room. It was an easy birth. We named the lamb Charlie. Then I asked the mum if I could just get a scoop of her placenta, and she said well, all right. Actually, she said, 'Baa!' But I took that to mean it was okay for me to take her placenta and put it on my face. So the sheep's placenta you're going to be putting on me is fresh and gathered with my own hands." 

Natalia only stares blankly at Harry. "It's not - it's not fresh sheep's placenta." 

"All right, let's get started then," Harry says. 

Natalia places a damp paper mask over Harry's face with holes cut out for his eyes and mouth. 

"I look like I'm going to murder an entire village with a rusty chainsaw," Harry says, widening his eyes beneath the mask to seem scary, with some chainsaw sound effects edited in for emphasis. 

"How's that?" Natalia asks, pressing the mask to Harry's skin and flattening out any little bubbles. 

"It's not at all what I imagined," Harry says. "I genuinely thought a sheep was going to like, give birth on my face." 

"No," Natalia says. She doesn’t seem amused by Harry at all.

There's a short montage of Harry walking around with a towel wrapped around his hair and his waist, eating ice cream straight from the container, singing into a hairbrush like a microphone, lying on his stomach and pretending to have a conversation with someone on an old landline that isn't plugged in and twirling the cord around his finger. A timer sound effect dings and Harry is back lying on the table. 

"All right, after about 30 minutes we can take off the mask," Natalia says. 

She gently peels off the mask. Harry holds a hand mirror up to himself and opens his mouth in a silent scream, touching his fingertips to his cheek. 

"My beautiful face," Harry says, tossing the mirror against the wall. "What have you done to my face?" 

The camera cuts to a super zoomed in shot of Harry's skin, his eyebrows, the fuzz on his chin. 

"It actually feels super nice," Harry says, rubbing the back of his hand on his forehead and nose. "I like it. I probably can't live without them now." 

~*~ 

Niall catches himself laughing right out loud at some of the things Harry says. Then he shakes his head at himself, embarrassed to be laughing at someone who does and says such idiotic things. He forces himself to put his phone down. It's not going on a spiral if he only watches one video at a time. It's more like a half-spin. Just a quick turnabout in Harry and that's it, he's done. 

The fuzzy dankness in his mouth wrestles him into the bathroom to brush his teeth before he crashes for the night. He's exhausted and half-drunk still, but he can't sleep. The itchy impulse to look at his phone overpowers him. The tab with Harry's video is still up. 

~*~

"You know," Harry says, speaking to the camera. "Before we came here I read that coffee enemas can actually kill you. So at least if I die, I'll die doing what I love - getting hot coffee shot up my ass."

A woman called Violet with short hair wearing chunky wooden jewelry and a t-shirt that reads GO VEGAN in big block letters explains the process to Harry. They boil water on the stove top and add coffee grounds to it, chatting as they wait for it to brew properly. 

"The purpose of a coffee enema is to cleanse all the toxins from your gut," Violet says. 

"We let the coffee cool down first, right?" Harry says. 

"Yes," Violet. "Obviously, we don't want to put boiling hot coffee in the anus." 

"No, that would be stupid," Harry says, making a get-me-out-of-here face at the camera. 

Cut to Harry lying side-saddle in a gigantic blue basin tub that basically looks like a paddling pool. Niall recognizes the room they're in as the film set. Harry's naked from the waist down, where he's covered by a bright white towel. Seems like a bad idea to wear white when getting a coffee enema, Niall thinks. An I.V. pole is stood beside the paddling pool and it holds a clear enema bag full of coffee. A tube dangles down from the bag and into the pool. 

"You want the nozzle to be lubricated for ease of entrance," Violent says. She rubs lube on the tip of the tube herself. 

"I like my coffee like I like my men," Harry says, seductively pouting his lips. "Up my ass with plenty of lube." 

As Harry lies prone while a bag of coffee slowly drains itself into his anal cavity, the camera zooms in on his face, his expression pinched and thoughtful. The shot hops between Harry's face and the coffee enema bag as voiceover of himself asking a series of increasingly existential questions plays over, with poignant string music in the background. 

"What should I have for dinner tonight? When was the last time I called my mum? Does she resent me for making her life more difficult? Have I ever been truly in love? Am I a good person?"

Niall is impossibly mortified at the entire situation Harry has elected to place himself in. Yet, he can't help but be charmed. He laughs at everything Harry says like teenager with a huge crush. 

"You know, I can't lie," Harry says when he's all done with the administration and expulsion of the coffee enema fluid. The video shows him dancing and doing lunges and squats outside the BeepFodder building. "It feels pretty good, being like, scrubbed out like that. My ass is clean as a whistle. You could blow in my ass and it'd sound like a bird." 

Niall stops there. The next video is Harry Tries Anal Bleaching, which is something Niall just isn't prepared for. He closes out the tab and shuts his phone off to avoid further temptation, and turns over to sleep off the rest of his beer and hopefully his embarrassing feelings for Harry, too. 

~*~ 

The next day, Niall hasn’t got anywhere to be, so he splurges and hires a few masseuses for the staff at the office. Twenty-minute free massages for everyone who wants to sign up, plus he hires a local doughnut truck to park outside for most of the day and the tab’s on him. Louis personally orders a baker’s dozen and stands outside to eat all of them, slapping anyone who assumes they’re for sharing. 

“Now, Niall,” Louis says, “What sort of massages are these?” 

“Not the kind you’re thinking of, Tommo,” Niall says. He bites into some sort of dick-hardening vanilla creme doughnut and nearly collapses from how good it is. “Clothes on. Sperm firmly kept tucked away.” 

“Speaking of sperm, here comes your boy,” Louis says, raising his eyebrows and pointing them somewhere behind Niall. 

“What’s all this?” Harry says. He’s carrying a clear plastic cup of something green and mushy and disgusting-looking. 

“Niall’s giving out free massages and doughnuts because he’s got £10 million now and he doesn’t know what to do with it,” Louis says. 

“Aw, I gave up sugar a week ago,” Harry says, sadly staring at his green mush. 

“What the fuck are you drinking?” Niall says. “Mashed peas?” 

“It’s spinach and avocado blended with blueberries and a banana,” Harry says. 

“Try this. It’s basically the same thing,” Niall says. He reaches lightning-quick, reaching into Louis’ box of doughnuts and expertly avoiding a wrathful slap to steal a fruit-filled one. 

Harry opens his mouth and accepts what Niall feeds him with absolutely no hesitation. It startles Niall into forgetting what exactly he’s doing. He hovers awkwardly with the doughnut pressed against Harry’s mouth, the powdered sugar sprinkled over top of it smearing on his lips. He pokes his tongue out and licks it a little before opening wider and taking a tentative bite, never breaking eye contact with Niall. 

“Okay,” Louis says. “I’m gonna leave now.” 

Niall barely notices anything else going on, which is dangerous and thrilling. 

“Oh, it’s so sweet,” Harry says, his face pinching up adorably like a baby trying a lemon for the first time. 

“Yeah,” Niall says. 

~*~ 

 

It's late in the day and Niall is following up on some emails and returning some calls in his office when Harry flies into the workroom on a hot pink scooter and slams square into the foosball table. Granted, the foosball table isn't normally there and is only a temporary replacement until they can order a new ping pong table. Niall isn't sure what happened to the old ping pong table; all he knows is it isn't there anymore. 

The poor fucker. Harry gets flipped completely due to his stunning momentum and lands on his back in a twisted mess on top of all the little rubber men. Most everyone has gone home for the day, but the ones left do not react in the slightest. Bressie removes his earbuds and stands up, but only to get up to go to the printer and make copies. Niall takes it upon himself to make sure Harry hasn't died. 

"What's wrong with you people?" Niall asks the room at large. 

"He's done it to himself," Jesy says, not looking away from her computer. "He has to learn." 

"Are you all right?" Niall says, going to Harry's side. He's not sure how appropriate it would be to lay hands on Harry, and only partially because he doesn't want to damage Harry's spine. 

"Hiya, chief," Harry says, lifting his head, which is hanging over the edge of the table, his voice sounding as crumpled as his body looks. "I'm okay. Just very emotionally damaged. My ego is broken and bruised. My dignity has left my body and is floating above me. I may have a small football man in my ass. But I am okay." 

After the coffee enema video Niall watched, plus the glitter story Harry told, and now the possibility of having a little football man lodged in there, Niall's starting to think there must be some sort of magnet in Harry's ass that attracts weird ass stuff to it. 

Niall eyes the scooter that’s now lodged in the recycling bin, wheels still spinning. "Aren't you on the banned list?" He remembers seeing Harry's picture on the board above the scooter rack under the DO NOT RIDE column next to Louis and Jade. 

"Yes," Harry says sadly. "I just love scooting so much. The wind in my hair. The way I fall over every time I'm on one. What a rush." 

Niall crooks arm around Harry's back and helps him sit up. Harry winces all the way, but manages to slither off the foosball table and onto his feet without having to extract any little football men from inside him. Niall keeps his arm around him as he guides him over to the couch near the kitchen. Harry drops his hand low on Niall's back, holding on for support. They are both wearing white, Niall notices; Harry, a loose t-shirt, and Niall, a crisp thermal. This is probably how their wedding would go, if Niall were allowed to marry people he employs. 

Harry trips on a rug and crashes down on the couch, dragging Niall along with him. Niall manages to land holding himself up on his hands, but he's still half on top of Harry's body, as if he’s riding a boogie board. Harry laughs into Niall's surprised mouth, his eyes sparkling with instantaneous, mirthful tears. This close, Niall notices Harry's two front teeth are just the tiniest bit longer than the rest of his teeth. His smile is sweet, like he's a little bunny-human hybrid that Niall is, somehow, sexually attracted to. 

Niall can't help but laugh too. Falling is fun, especially if it's on top of someone you like. Even though there aren't a lot of people here, he feels eyes on them from every corner of the room. But the way Harry's looking at him, it’s like they’re the only two people in the world and he can’t find it in himself to care.

It's not as if nobody has ever hooked up in the office before. There are dozens of young, attractive, single people here who spend 60 hours a week together. People end up liking each other. Although, It's probably highly illegal that he likes someone so below him in terms of job title. Jesus, he's going to get his brains sued out. He can't do this, not with Harry. 

Maybe this is just how Harry is. Maybe he's like this with everyone and laughs into everyone's mouths and squeezes everyone's love handles when they lie on top of him at work. Niall is a deviant and a pervert. He scrambles to get up, using Harry's sturdy thigh as leverage. 

"Um," Niall says. "Just rest here for a bit. I have to do some emails." 

Niall speed walks away and hides in the one-stall toilet until his cheeks un-pink themselves.

~*~ 

"I like your shirt," Harry says. 

"Jesus," Niall says, jumping out of his hair. "Where'd you come from?" 

"Ducked out of filming," Harry says. "Liam is making me act and he keeps yelling at me because I'm bad at it. Where'd you get this shirt?" 

Niall look down at himself. He's got on one of his louder shirts in his wardrobe, a dark blue number with a bold pattern of different horses. It isn't his favorite, exactly, but if Harry likes it he'll wear it every day in a row for the rest of the week. 

Harry comes right up close to him and pokes him under where Niall's chest is exposed. He's got a bit sexy with the unbuttoning, perhaps subconsciously trying to compete with Harry's typical low-cut style. There's a little horse with a bright red and blue blanket on its back that Harry traces. Niall feels Harry's warm touch through the fabric and schools his face to seem completely blank, when on the inside he's on fire. 

"That one is my favorite," Harry says. "I'm gonna call him... Gabriel." 

"Harry," Louis shouts from across the room. "Liam refuses to get up off the floor until you come back and film. It was fun kicking him for a while, but now it's just getting pitiful." 

"Coming," Harry says. 

~*~ 

Liam sends out an email blast asking for volunteers for a new video. It starts off as saying that it's 'not for the weak of heart'. That's all Niall needs to decide he wants to sit in on the production and check it out. There's a fun theatricality about watching a video being made, like being in a very small audience of a very small play. He's an entertainer at heart, anyway. Back when the company first started producing video content, he'd hang out with the writers and give a few notes, or sometimes he'd be an extra if needed. 

Loitering outside the door to the set are some of those who harkened the call for bodies. 

"Who do you wanna go with?" Jesy says. 

"I dunno, like," Leigh-Anne says, "Do you think they'll let us all four go at once?" 

"That sounds too complicated," Jade says, her eyes unfocused as she tries to imagine whatever they're discussing. 

Niall takes cuts and goes to the head of the line. 

"I wouldn't go in there, chief," Jesy says, but it's too late. 

Liam's stood behind a camera on a tripod. The camera is pointed at Louis, who's got Sophia dipped back in his arms as he kisses her with more passion than he's ever done anything before. 

"What," Niall says. 

Louis pulls away from sucking Sophia's soul from her mouth and stands her back up. Liam presses a button on the camera and plays the footage back for him and Sophia to watch. 

"Hehehe," Louis says. He unleashes his laugh that sounds like a devil-possessed goat. "Niall, you Irish scoundrel. The chief wants some action, eh?" 

"What's going on?" Niall says.

"Didn't you read the entire email?" Liam says. He wraps a blanket around Sophia and leads her to a chair, like she's in shock after being rescued from a fire - which, to be fair, is probably exactly how it is being kissed by Louis. 

"No," Niall says. "Who reads all those words?"

"The rule we've set in place is, you come in, and the next person who comes in after you is your scene partner," Liam says. "That's how poor Soph ended up in the clutches of this one." 

"It wasn't so bad," Sophia says, quiet and blushing. 

"There, there," Liam says, patting her shoulder. "You're delirious, darling. It'll wear off in time." 

"This has got to be breaking some sort of law," Niall says. 

"We figured it out," Liam says. "It's all right as long as nobody above someone kisses someone below them. Like, Louis and Sophia can kiss because they're at the same level, or Sophia and I, or Louis and I - well, you get the idea." 

"So I can't - I mean, I can't kiss anyone," Niall says, backing away nervously. "Nobody is at the same level as me." 

"But you're like, so high up, do you know what I mean?" Louis says. "You're like the queen on a chess board. You can go anywhere and any position is yours to take." 

There's a loud scuffle outside and then suddenly Harry stumbles into the room as if pushed by a giant wave. Harry is the next person to enter the room after Niall, which according to the rule means Niall and Harry would have to kiss for the camera. 

"Hi," Harry says. 

"Oh, no, oh, no no no," Niall says. 

"Yes, yes, yes, come on," Louis says. He leads Niall to a mark in front of the backdrop and positions Harry to stand a couple feet away from him. The bright white of it draws Harry in stark contrast. The tan of his skin, dark ink making a mess of it, his shirt unbuttoned all the way over a black tank top scooped low. His hair is comically huge today, almost like he's hiding another head underneath it. His lips are so pink and well-moisturized, like he's been eating damp crayons. 

Harry glances down at the floor, then up at Niall, lip curling up in a bashful smirk. Niall wants terribly to kiss him. The opportunity is right there in front of him, and it's the worst idea in the entire world. 

It would reach the press. He'd be in the news - CEO and Founder of BeepFodder Niall Horan Sexually Manipulates Underlings. His mum has an alert for him on her computer and she'd see it and have a heart attack. They'd lose sponsors. Even if they didn't publish the footage, it'd still exist. It all still would have happened. Harry would know Niall likes him. The thought of the most vulnerable spots in his heart being captured on film and shown to millions of people makes Niall sick. Going through with this in a legitimate way would ruin his life no matter what. 

"No," Niall says. "I'm going to sit this one out." 

"It's okay," Harry says. 

Niall can't tell whether he means it's okay for Niall to leave, or it's okay for Niall to kiss him. He leaves the set and heads back to his desk to delete the email blast and forget about it entirely.

~*~

James the IT guy is the one who ends up getting suckered into kissing Harry. Harry's eyes close when his mouth meets James', and his hand reflexively cups James' cheek. Then they laugh together. Niall watches it a hundred times in his taxi to the airport the following week. 

~*~

The flight to San Francisco is too long for Niall to completely sleep through. He boots up his laptop and verifies his hotel reservations, browses headlines, and deletes several emails without reading them. It's a pain in the ass to fly this much to only be gone for a couple days, but Niall's got to talk with some suits at a firm about raising funds. His presentation is meticulously planned out and he isn't nervous in the slightest. They've got the revenue, and they've got the hit counts. Even the biggest snobs usually are willing to give you their money when confronted with BeepFodder's numbers. 

Niall is wide awake now, but it's way past midnight his time in the middle of the Atlantic and he knows he needs to try to get some sleep. He pops his earbuds in and lets Harry take him away.

~*~ 

"Hello, I'm Dr. Brunner," says a serious woman with a light Austrian accent. There's an amused twinkle in her eye as she pulls a towel off of a surface, which turns out to be a naked ass with a cartoon elephant digitally edited over it. The elephant's face conceals Harry's ass, and the trunk hides Harry's dangling dick. The sternness of Dr. Brunner's face melts away with a kind, motherly giggle. 

"And I'm Harry's anus," Harry's voice says. His head pokes around over his shoulder. "And I'm Harry. Welcome to my first anal bleaching." 

Niall settles back in his seat and pulls his blanket all the way over his head to drown out anything else. Harry's camera presence has become some sort of bizarre ASMR for him, and while he doesn't particularly understand it, he lets it soothe him through skies. 

"To me, having a bleached anus is the height of luxury," Harry explains to the camera. The entire time he's speaking, he's bent over with his ass in the air as Dr. Brunner rubs something on his butthole. "There's like, absolutely no purpose for it. What's the point of having an anus that has a nice pearly sheen to it? Is it a cleanliness thing? Is it a sex thing? What do you think, Dr. Brunner?" 

"A combination of the two," Dr. Brunner says. "Most people like as clean-looking as possible anus for sex. This next one is going to tingle." 

Harry yelps as the next cream makes contact with his butthole. The next shot is him from the front, wearing a monocle and a top hat. 

"If you've never had a dermatologist wearing latex gloves spread your cheeks apart and fan-dry bleach on your anus, you haven't lived," Harry says in a posh voice, lifting a pipe to his mouth and laughing fakely. In the background, you can see Dr. Brunner holding Harry's ass open while she blows a small hand-held fan over his butthole. 

"How's it look, doctor?" Harry says. He's up off the table now, standing completely in the nude and spinning around in circles trying to look at his own butt. "Can you save it? Do I have to get it amputated? Please, I could use some good news." 

"No," Dr. Brunner says, clearly as charmed by Harry as Niall is. "You just have to go through this regimen twice daily to achieve the results you want." 

"Twice a day?" Harry says, in shock. "I'll just use a flannel and soap, thanks."

~*~

Niall's back at his hotel and finally lands on a channel with men playing American football when his phone buzzes. 

_Harry  
How are you? _

Niall reads the words over and over until they become foreign and meaningless. How are you - well, how is he? He's got eight other missed texts messages piling up from other friends waiting for him while he parses out how to answer. Coming across as over-eager is out the window considering it's taken him half an hour already to think of something to say. He doesn't want to appear too aloof, either, or like he's annoyed with Harry texting him. He’s the one who gave Harry his number, anyway. He also wants to be careful not to drift over into solicitous sexting territory, either. 

_Niall  
I'm alright, just bored already! I'm watching American football and it's miserable _

_Harry  
How is the Hotel California? _

_Niall  
Such a lovely place !_

_Harry  
Such a lovely face. _

Harry continues to text him the rest of the lyrics of ‘Hotel California’ line by line, too fast to be anything but from memory. Niall’s heart aches in a strange way, like when he’s just missed seeing an old friend he’s been dying to talk to. 

_Harry  
We miss you around here_

_Niall  
Hahaha you don't need me ! I don't even do anythin there_

_Harry  
You make it a better place to be. _

Niall’s eyes close uncontrollably after that. He falls asleep with a smile on his face.

~*~ 

Niall lands back home with a handshake and a promise. The firm told him they're interested in investing, but they'll have to go through the proper channels and they'd be in touch. That was good enough for Niall to get out of there happy. 

He knows he's not going to be able to sleep if he goes home, so he swings by the office instead to get some work done. It's easier for him to concentrate there, even though there are just as many televisions and just as much internet access as he's got at his house. 

When Niall flips the lights on, Harry rolls off the couch next to the kitchen lounge and drops to the floor. It would've scared Niall half to death had it not been so unsurprising. 

"Hi," Harry says, voice strained from the wind being knocked out of him. "I don't live here, I swear."

"I wouldn't blame you if you did," Niall says, throwing his backpack on the ground and digging in the fridge. Louis has labeled everything with his name, even the stuff that clearly doesn't belong to him, like the fruit and juice drinks. He finds some leftover Chinese takeaway that probably really does belong to Louis and eats it at the counter. 

"I was just working on something, and it's so comfortable here," Harry says. He flings his blanket around his shoulders like a stylish cape and stands across from Niall. 

"I'm glad you like it here," Niall says. "But you can tell me the truth. If you're homeless, it's all right." 

"I'm not homeless, I'm an enchanting vagabond with many acquaintances," Harry says. 

"You're an idiot," Niall says, shoveling noodles into his mouth with his bare fingers. 

Harry smiles at him like being called an idiot by Niall is the world's greatest pleasure. 

"Do you want to go for a bike ride?" Harry says. 

"It's 3 o'clock in the morning," Niall says. 

"Yes, the perfect time to go for a bike ride," Harry presses. 

The perfect time to get mugged and dumped in the river, more like, Niall thinks. The building isn't in the nicest neighborhood, and Niall isn't a fan of the dark anyway. But Harry seems so excited about the prospect of possibly getting murdered on a bicycle, so he agrees. 

~*~

"Do you know what this bicycle is missing?" Harry says. 

"A helmet," Niall says. "Reflectors. Brakes. Proper attire." 

"No, a horn," Harry, who is wearing very stylish but unsuitable boots, says. He squeezes an invisible bike horn on the handle bar. "Beep beep." 

"These were meant to only be ridden indoors," Niall says. 

Harry stops at the next intersection and Niall wobbles up beside him. His nerves are raw from being worn out, and from being out way later than he’s used to. Spending alone time with Harry isn’t helping. He’s sure he’d do anything right now if Harry asked him, and it’s terrifying. 

"Isn't it pretty?" Harry says. "All the lights, like, reflecting off each other. Our own stars here on earth. It's so quiet and peaceful, you know?" 

There's almost nobody out on the road, but they could easily be struck by a motor vehicle and killed. Niall's paranoid that someone is following them and is going to take his wallet and steal his identity. On top of all that, he's sweating like a pig and he's jetlagged as shit. He wants to tell Harry he's gone in the head and this is Niall's worst nightmare, but to be honest, it isn't true. 

Jesus, what is Niall thinking? Whatever it is, it's bad, really bad. He can't like Harry. He cannot like Harry. Frankly, it's embarrassing for Niall to feel anything fuzzy at all towards this weird-haired, accident-prone, ass-centric dope at all, and he's even more horrible for it because Harry works under him. 

And more important, Harry cannot like him back. It isn’t good for him to be attracted to the boss. It’d ruin his reputation at the company and probably at any other company he’d go to after this if they got caught in a compromising situation. Their liking one another just isn't feasible for anyone involved. 

"It's really nice," Niall says. "I'm glad we came out." 

Harry smiles over his shoulder at Niall. The traffic lights reflect in his eyes, giving them an impossibly hopeful glimmer that melts every doubt in Niall's mind for one moment. Then a car drives by and rips away the illusion that this could be all right. Niall startles and turns his bike around. 

“What do you say we head back,” Niall says, heart in his throat. “I’m beat.” 

Harry seems a bit disappointed, but he rides beside Niall the whole way. 

~*~ 

A box arrives on Niall's doorstep from Bobby. The word 'CONGRATUL' is scrawled on one side of the box, and 'ATIONS' wraps around to the next side. Inside the box is a cooler packed with ice, and inside that is beautiful cut of beef rib fit for a perfect Sunday roast. The ice is still frozen, so at least he knows it's fresh and hasn't been sitting at the post office for three weeks since the article was printed. 

He gets it inside his fridge after tossing out some old takeaway and sends Bobby a text thanking him. It's obviously carved by Bobby's own hand with love, and it makes Niall homesick for the first time in a long time. He sends out a group text inviting practically everyone he works with to come over tonight. He'll just have to run to the shop to pick up a few things, and they'll be sure to have a proper Irish roast. 

Niall is suspicious when nobody answers him for a full two hours. Liam, at least, is glued to his phone and always responds to Niall within seconds. He's beginning to think everyone hates him when Louis, of all people, answers first. 

_Louis  
Sounds good, mate_

The rest reply in kind and in rapid succession. One friend after the other, all agreeing to come over. In the middle of it, Harry replies separately from the group. 

_Harry  
Looking forward to it. H_

~*~ 

The roast is in the oven, the yorkshire pudding is from Tesco's and frozen but will take less time than the roast, and Niall's tried on every shirt in his wardrobe. It'd be easy to go with the one that's a sure thing for Harry to like - the horses one, since Harry already told him to his face that he likes it. But he doesn't want to be samey and wear it all the time in front of him, like he's only got one shirt. The fringe bottom one is too casual, but the checkered one makes his head look too big, and the white one is too risky to wear. Stains and all that. Eventually he puts on the brown-and-black houndstooth, which is a good mixture of comfort and style and makes him feel more handsome than he really is. He leaves it unbuttoned just enough to show off the top portion of his chest hair and runs to heat the pudding. 

Just as the doorbell rings the arrival of his first guest, his phone buzzes with a barrage of text messages. One after the other, all his friends cancel on him. Suddenly dead great aunt after flat tire after flimsy excuse, everyone single one of his friends and traitors tells him they can't make it and sorry about all the trouble. 

The doorbell rings again. Niall answers it. It's Harry holding an ornate, expensive-looking glass bottle of olive oil. He's got on a leopard print t-shirt that goes down to his crotch and dark jeans ripped at the knees. Perhaps he had the same troubles as Niall did selecting his look for the evening and went somewhere between dressy and a right mess. 

"I looked up what a good hostess gift would be for an informal dinner party," Harry says, presenting Niall with the oil. "Actually, I found it on BeepFodder. It was very helpful." 

"Thank you," Niall says, a bit in shock. His phone buzzes in his hand one last time. 

_Liam  
Have fun :) _

~*~ 

"So, what are we doing?" Harry says. He inspects the photographs on the shelves surrounding Niall's TV, soaking in each one for an appropriate amount of time before moving onto the next one. 

"I don't know," Niall says. "A lot more people were supposed to show up, so I don't really have a lot of activities planned." 

He can't believe everyone did this to him. He knew something was up. 

"Oh, is this your guitar?" Harry says. 

"No, it's someone else's," Niall snaps. He doesn’t mean to, but he can’t believe his friends trapped him into this. “Course it’s mine.” 

Harry seems impervious to Niall's blistering retorts. "Do you play a lot?" 

"Not a lot anymore, but I'm very good," Niall says. 

Harry picks up the guitar like he owns the place and strums an absolutely horrid G. 

" _What would ya do if I sang out of tune_ ," Harry sings. His voice is rough around the edges and he pushes it out harder than he should, but it's astonishingly beautiful. “ _Would you stand up and walk out on me?_ ” 

"You're not old enough to know that song," Niall says without thinking. Somehow the acknowledgement that Harry was born and has since aged makes Niall blush. He can’t stop touching his own hair, or chewing his thumbnail, or wanting to live underground. All he can do is hope it doesn’t show on the outside. 

"Neither are you," Harry says, incredulous and laughing. "And I know like, every song." 

“So do I,” Niall says. “Every single song ever recorded.” 

“What’s your favorite musical?” Harry says. It’s surprisingly easy conversation and soothes Niall’s nerves. 

“My mum made me watch so many,” Niall says. “I think the only one I liked is _Grease_.” 

“Me, too,” Harry says, lightly shoving Niall’s shoulder. “I mean, my mum. We watched like, nothing but musicals for the first like, five years of my life. _Grease_ is good. Have you ever seen _Mamma Mia!_?” 

“Dear Christ, no,” Niall says. 

“Then let me explain the entire premise to you in incredible detail,” Harry says. 

 

~*~ 

“So then Meryl Streep, Christine Baranski, and Julie Walters sing ‘Dancing Queen’ again,” Harry says. He’s pink-cheeked and out of breath and so is Niall just from listening and watching him talk. 

There is an absurd amount of food for only two people, but Niall has it set out on the table anyway. Some part of him thought it'd be funny to sit all the way on the opposite end of the table from Harry, like in Beauty and the Beast, but he let Harry take the head of the table and Niall sits on his left. 

“That is a fucking wild ride,” Niall says. “Who knew Colin Firth could sing?” 

“He can’t,” Harry says. “It was awful. Speaking of Colin Firth, did you hear about Graham Norton last week?” 

Niall shakes his head. 

"He like, totally roasted our nuts, but like in a loving way. He took the How Gay Are You quiz on the air with Colin Firth and Dame Judi Dench. My mum was so excited, she called me screaming and I thought she was being attacked. I guess she showed everyone at work, like,"My son works there!" I'm like, Mum, I didn't even work on that. Then she said her and all her friends took the quiz too and she's not that gay." 

"That's how we know we've made it," Niall says. "Mums figuring out how gay they are together." 

~*~

“Would you like some more wine with that?” 

Harry helps himself to a third serving of roast. Not even Niall can eat that much, and he’s surprised Harry is attempting to. 

"Yes, please" Harry says. He looks like he’s going to be sick. 

"It’s only the £5 shit from Sainsbury’s, but it’s the best, in my opinion,” Niall says. 

"It’s my favorite," Harry says. He mechanically cuts, chews, and swallows a bite of meat. 

"Harry, you don't have to eat an entire six pound roast in one sitting," Niall says. 

"I just feel bad, since it's just like, me," Harry says. "But I don't usually eat a lot of red meat." 

"You don’t have to feel bad,” Niall says. “It isn’t your fault everyone ditched us. We’re having a great time, aren’t we?” 

Harry smiles at him, warm and glowing. Maybe it’s the meat, or the wine, or all the talk of Colin Firth wearing linens, but Niall is feel particularly content. 

"Can I use your toilet?" Harry says. "I'm getting the meat sweats." 

"Sure, it's the first door that way," Niall says. 

"And can you light a candle as well and also play some really loud music? The three things are unrelated." Harry stands and holds onto his gut, shuffling slowly away. 

"Sure thing," Niall says. 

Niall's just finishing the washing up when Harry returns. He's wrapped everything and put it away, and he's lit a candle, but that's mostly because he likes it and not to mask the scent of the massive shit Harry took. 

"Did you know," Harry says, exiting the bathroom after a solid 20 minutes. "There's a little bunny rabbit doing a belly flop hidden in the pattern on your shower curtain?" 

"No, I haven't seen that one," Niall says. "But there's definitely like, a pair of eyes that follow you." 

~*~ 

Niall owns hundreds of DVDs and has probably seen less than half of the movies in his collection. He just likes collecting them and organizing them neatly on his shelf. Harry covers his eyes and picks one at random.

"Oh, _Paint Your Wagon_!" Harry says. He deeps his voice and sings, " _Maria! Maria! They call the wind Maria!_ My mum loved this one when I was little." 

"Christ. Mine, too. I think that's probably why I have it. I haven't seen it in 20 years." Niall's pretty sure Harry's entire life span is just shy of 20 years and he wants to die of shame. 

"Can we?" Harry says, waving the DVD in Niall's face as if to entice him. “Might as well like, make a musical night out of it.”

“Yeah, why not?” Niall says. 

Niall's got an enormous sectional couch with plenty of room for an entire football team. Harry folds his legs up underneath his bum and plops down right next to Niall, so close that Niall's ear gets tickled by Harry's stray curls when he turns his head to smile at Niall. 

The movie starts and it's like remembering a dream, vague memories of his mum singing along to the songs and the old, hazy quality of the film. Harry slouches further and further down in his seat, and Niall does, too. By the time Lee Marvin's crooning 'Wand'rin Star', he's basically flat on his back with his head propped up only by the cushion behind him when Harry tilts just so to the side and lays his head on Niall's stomach. Niall the tune low in his throat, knowing Harry will feel the vibrations against his cheek. 

" _I was born under a wand'rin star_ ," Harry sings along, his voice soft and uneven. His skull jams up against all the food in Niall's belly and it hurts. "I always wanted to grow a moustache like that. Now look at me. Pathetic." 

"Are you comfortable?" Niall says with a sarcastic twinge. 

"Yes," Harry says, letting the full weight of his head dig into Niall's gut. "I can hear your roast digesting." 

"I hate it when people lay on my stomach," Niall says. "Then I have to worry about jostling their heads. I hold my breath so they can be comfortable while I suffer, then I’m all huffy and puffy. Look at me.” 

"I wanna shrink down to the size of a pea and travel through your digestive system," Harry says. He turns his head and looks up at Niall, his face pale and young in the light of the TV. Niall realizes he's got his hand on Harry's shoulder and he doesn't want to move it. "Wouldn't that be wild?" 

"You're such a freak," Niall says, the fondness in his voice unmistakable. 

"I'm thinking of quitting," Harry says. 

Niall chokes on nothing. "What? Why?" 

"'Cause I'm a wand'rin star," Harry says. "And it'd make it easier on us." 

"What do you mean?" Niall says. 

"'Cause we like each other so much," Harry says. 

Niall knew Harry liked him, in some way or another, and the acknowledgement of that fact makes him feel whole. He plays dumb. "Who says I like you?" 

"And then we could kiss," Harry says. 

Niall realizes Harry isn't joking at all. The movie is still playing in the background and it heightens Niall's sense of panic and dread. They were just lying here doing something relatively normal that people do, and now Harry wants to make completely life-altering changes out of nowhere. Harry is young, and Niall is young, and he doesn't want to let Harry move his life around just for something that might not be good enough for him to not regret. 

"But you're so popular online," is all Niall can come up with. The thought of Harry leaving BeepFodder is unbearable and painful. So many people would be angry, including Niall. He doesn't want to lose Harry like that just to gain Harry for himself. 

"So I already have a built-in fanbase," Harry says. "I can make it on my own." 

"I could resign as CEO," Niall says. "I don't even really know what a CEO does. I'm totally winging it. I'll sell the company. Hand the reigns over to Louis. Live in a castle." 

"You'd do all that?" Harry says. 

"You have no idea how badly I want us to kiss," Niall says. 

"Yes, I do," Harry says. He cups his hand around the back of Niall's neck and raises his head so their mouths can meet. 

Niall thinks about the video of Harry kissing James, and how tender he looked, and how his eyes closed. Niall's imagined kissing Harry for more minutes than he'd ever dare to say. Harry's eyes close now, and his fingertips trail into Niall's hair. It's better than Niall could've possibly imagined. It's worth everything that comes after. 

~*~ 

“This is gonna be great, Harry,” Liam says, framing up the perfect angle to capture Harry’s reactions. 

“Yeah, great,” Harry says. “Is this what being an independent contractor gets you? You don’t have to worry about killing me now that I don’t work here so you can do as you please to my body?” 

“No, that’s what Niall gets out of the deal,” Liam says, winking. 

"I regret agreeing to all of this," Harry says. 

The subjects before him all wore a bathing suit or at least their underwear. Harry forgoes all sense of modesty and opts instead to go completely starkers. They'll have to slap another censorship elephant over his bits in editing. 

The top of the bath literally steams it's so cold. The ice is starting to melt a bit and it's almost overflowing as Harry steps into it and braces himself for impact. He settles into the tub at a rate so excruciating, Niall's nipples harden in sympathy. Rather than shriek in agony or cry out in pain, Harry tosses his head back as if in terrible ecstasy and moans. 

Harry and Niall have been tentatively dating for a few weeks. They told everyone at the office right away, almost as a dare to let anyone object. The reaction was pretty much the same from person to person as news spread, people saying like, "I thought you were already dating. You guys seemed like you were banging all the time." 

Niall stares at the erotic display before him, his mouth hanging open and his blood pumping into places he never knew existed. He was only going to pop in and drop off some lunch for Harry - leftovers from their dinner date last night. Harry catches his eye and smiles, moaning louder. 

"Tone it down, horndog," Liam says, closing Niall's jaw for him. "Harry, is there really a need for all that moaning?" 

"I'm in a lot of pain," Harry says, his teeth chattering. "And yet, pleasure. Am I sick?" 

"Yes," Niall says. He’s sure he’s just as sick from enjoying it so much. 

Louis digs through the bags of food Niall brought. He’s bringing a bite of chicken to his lips when Niall slaps it out of his hand. Better the floor gets it than he does, the ruddy thief. Louis glares at Niall, but he doesn’t try it again. 

“How is this any different from being an employee?” Louis says. 

“It’s different,” Niall says. “He doesn’t work for me anymore.” 

“So he gets to be his own boss,” Louis ticks off items on his fingers, “he gets free meals, and he gets to fuck a lot. We should all become independent contractors. What do you say, Payno?” 

“I quite like it the way it is now, to be fair,” Liam says. 

“My penis is shrinking back inside me,” Harry inhales sharply. He’s gripping the sides of the bath so hard his knuckles will probably bruise. “This must be what reverse birth feels like. Can I get out now?” 

“Yeah, come on out,” Liam says, pressing a button on the camera. 

Niall helps Harry stand up in the bath and wraps a fluffy towel that Liam hands off to him around his shoulders. 

“My penis doesn’t normally look like this,” Harry says. His teeth chatter pitifully and it takes a long time for his frozen bones to be able to step out of the tub and onto the floor. 

“Believe me, I know,” Niall says. Harry giggles, which sets Niall off, too. It’s disgusting how cute they are. 

With Niall’s assistance, Harry is able to hobble over to the couch on the other side of the set. All the girls are over there wearing white bathrobes and talking amongst themselves, probably waiting for their turn to film. 

“Harry, what’s wrong with your penis?” Jade says. 

“It froze and broke off,” Harry says. 

Liam and Louis clear the set and the girls shuffle away to do whatever it is they need to do. Harry and Niall are alone, and the best part is, it’s all on the up and up. 

“I’m so cold,” Harry says. He puts his icy fingers on Niall’s neck. 

Niall shrieks and shakes him off, but then he holds Harry’s hands in his and warms them up. “I wonder why.” 

“I’m gonna kiss you,” Harry says. A smile blooms over his face as he says it. 

“Okay,” Niall says. 

Harry follows through on his promise, falling forward and pressing their mouths together sweetly. His lips are the only thing hot about him at the moment. Niall moves his hands to cup Harry’s chilled cheeks and kisses him again. He’s so glad he came up with that independent contractor idea and he didn’t have to relinquish control of everything he’s built, but it might’ve been worth it. 

“Why’d you do that?” Niall says when they finally stop kissing. 

“Because I can,” Harry says. 

Niall thinks, well, that’s as good a reason as any, and he goes in for more.


End file.
